


is this a goodbye, or a see you later?

by castielanderson



Category: Loki: Agent of Asgard, Young Avengers
Genre: Depression, M/M, Suicidal Ideation, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-05
Updated: 2015-05-05
Packaged: 2018-03-29 03:31:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,172
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3880594
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/castielanderson/pseuds/castielanderson
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki's been gone eight months.  Eight months, and Billy was sure Loki killed himself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	is this a goodbye, or a see you later?

It's dark, sometime in the fall.  He doesn't really know anymore. He's been hiding out in this abandoned building for so long, without leaving, without even moving sometimes.  Before that, he wasn't even in this realm.  He's gone to the darkest, most desolate places of the universe, but he always ends up back in the same place: New York City.

Everyone thinks he's killed himself, and he wonders when he actual will.

It's dark, and cold.  It's actually much colder than it has been in the past few . . days?  Weeks?  Time is too hard to keep track of.  He curls up on himself, yanking on the fur collar of his jacket and pulling it as tightly around himself as he can.  A shiver cracks his spine, and he gives a weak cough.

With a heavy, spluttering sigh, Loki leans his head back and looks up through the rafters to the top of the building.  It's a high roof; he can barely make it out.  Given how weak he's let himself get - the lack of sleep, the days and weeks and maybe months without eating - the fall is bound to kill him.

The ever-looming tears prick his eyes, and his bones ache with the thought of disappearing.  He entertains the thought of saying goodbye for a brief moment, then laughs to himself.  He's the villain, he knows this.  No one will miss a villain.  Isn't that why he disappeared in the first place?

When he first broke free of King Loki's trap, he was determined to make things right.  He was going to rewrite his story and change his identity.  He wasn't going to be the God of Lies or Trickery anymore.  He was going to be something new.  It didn't take long for him to realize that it was impossible, and that he would always be running from his fate.  He's just kept to himself since, not daring to reenter the lives of the people he cares about.  They deserve better, and the less people that support his stupid fever dream, the better.

If anything, Loki should give out apologies before he offs himself.

_(Did he tell you about the time he betrayed this groovy gang of hepcats?)_

Joints creaking, he stands up.  It's been awhile, and he sways something dangerous.  He looks up again, and wonders if he has the strength to teleport.  Surely it takes less energy than walking up fifteen flights of a fire escape?   He closes his eyes, and the next thing he knows, he's falling hard on his ass onto the cement underneath him.

_(The time he loosed an interdimensional parasite on your reality, just for a taste of power?)_

Cold air bites his cheeks, and he looks around to see himself high above the city.  It's windy, so much so that Loki is worried it will knock him off the building before he's ready to jump.  He pulls himself back to his feet with a wince and eases himself to the edge.  His arms wrap around his torso as he goes, involuntarily.

He's ready to die.  He's been ready to die for awhile, but there's something tugging at him, holding him back.

_(How he pushed an innocent boy to the brink of suicide?)_

He deserves this.  He really deserves this, and that's what hurts the most.  Not that he wants this or that he's leaving people he loves behind, but the fact that this is actually going to be what's best for the rest of the world.  The past couple or few or several months have been a testament to that.

Loki steps and steps and steps until he's at the edge of the building.  Underneath him, the ground looks so far away.  He takes a deep breath, closes his eyes, and steps forward -

And lands hard on a metal grate?

One more bruise for his ass, he supposes.  He grunts and grimaces as he elbows himself up into a sitting position.  With a glance around, he realizes he has no idea where he is.  This is not the same building he was just on.  In fact, he's in a completely different part of the city.

What the hell?

He's working his way around the idea of involuntary teleportation when the window above him squeaks open.  He looks up, and comes face to face with the person who lead him over the edge.

Billy's eyes are wide, slightly horrified, slightly sad.

"Loki - ?"

"Oh, God - Billy, hi.  I'm so sorry," Loki splutters, rushing to his feet.  "I don't know what I'm doing here.  I'll just - I'll just be going now - "  He tries to make a dash for it, but Billy hops out onto the fire escape and grabs Loki gently by the elbow.

"No," he says, and he's trembling.  "Stay, sit, talk."

"I don't - "  Loki yanks himself free but moves no further.

Silence poisons the air.  Both of them stare at each other.  Loki waits for the slap, for the angry outburst, but Billy just stands there, dumbfounded.  His eyes are glassy.  He's looking straight at Loki, but it almost appears as if he can't see him.

"I thought you were dead," Billy whispers at last.  "I - I got a hold of that girl - Verity - she - she was the last person to have contact with you.  She said - she told me about the conversation you had, and that she went to your apartment, but everything was just gone.  Like you never even lived there - "

Loki's never seen him look so heartbroken, and he wants to dive off the side of the fire escape right then and there.

"Yeah, I - "

"God, Loki," Billy chokes.  He runs his hands through his hair a few times before yanking at it until it stands up.  "The things she told me.  I thought - I thought you - "  The rest of the sentence is lost in a sob that Billy tries to cover up.

"I didn't," Loki mutters.  "Not - not yet anyway."

Billy's head snaps up.  "Wh - not yet?  Loki - "

"Billy, don't - " Loki sighs.  He doesn't want to get into it.  He didn't intend to show up here, to drag Billy in last minute before he finally took his life.  He just wants to get it over with now, wants to leave Billy and never come back to pollute his life.  Billy deserves so much better than the past year that Loki's given him.

"Don't what?" Billy demands.

Loki bites his lip and fights the urge to just run away.  "Make this harder than it already is."

"Oh, don't tell me you're here to say goodbye, Laufeyson," Billy spits. 

Loki winces, but he can't resist throwing the snark right back at him.  "I wasn't intending on it, but now that you mention it - "

"Don't - just stop, Loki.  Stop," Billy's angry now.  He's surpassed the sadness and disbelief and he's pissed.  He's trembling more violently, and he emphasizes each word with a sharp slap of his hands against the air.

Loki just laughs dryly.  "You shouldn't even care.  You'll be better off.  Everyone will."

"Shut up.  Shut the fuck up," Billy hisses. 

"It's true," Loki presses, and he can feel the emotions morphing inside him.  He's getting fed up.  Fed up with Billy for not understanding, and fed up with himself for doing all this awful shit in the first place.  He's beyond done. "I fucked everything up.  I ruined you.  I ruined Teddy.  I ruined your relationship.  I ruined everything, because that's what I do.  I ruin everything I touch - "

"Stop, goddamn it!" Billy shouts, and a burst of blue energy flashes off of his skin.

"How can you not agree with me?" Loki counters.  He throws his hand in the air and circles on the spot. "God, Billy," he huffs.  "I manipulated you in ways I didn't even know were possible.  I - I made you feel so hopeless.  I made you think that suicide was the only answer!"  He throws out his hands, gesturing to Billy as his vision clouds with green.  He can't take this anymore.  He can't sit here and argue to the main reason he's killing himself why killing himself is a good thing.  Billy should know this.  He should clearly see that every single aspect of his life, along with the lives of everyone in this godforsaken realm would be better off without Loki.  It's really not that hard.

And then Billy replies with the worst argument possible.  "And now I'm doing that to you?"

"No, Billy - " Loki says desperately.  He's losing it.  He really is.  There's nothing left to do if Billy just keeps twisting everything up like this.

"I've been depressed since I was thirteen, Loki," Billy laughs, then grits his teeth.  "I thought about suicide long before you came into the picture - "

"But - "                       

"No more buts," Billy growls, then he all but pleads,  "No more anything.  Just listen to me.  You've been gone for eight months.  Eight whole months, and I've spent this entire time thinking you committed suicide."

Loki winces.  "B - "

"During a part of that time, I spent a month in the hospital," Billy continues voice shaky, a tiptoe.  "I - uh - I tried to kill myself again, and you weren't there to save me this time.  I - I scared the shit out of everyone.  They didn't - they didn't know if I was going to make it."

Loki feels like he's already jumped, like he's just falling through the air.  He can't stomach this.  He _can't_.  He can't think about Billy attempting suicide _again_ , because of Loki, because he was gone, because he wasn't there to stop him.  That's too much.  "Billy, you can't put that kind of thing on me."

"No, look -," Billy huffs.  He's trembling, worse than ever.  And behind the thinly-veiled facade he's putting on, Loki knows he's about to fall apart.  "I'm not trying to blame you or anything - like, hey, look I did this because you couldn't rescue you me - that's not at all what I'm trying to say.  I'm just - it's - you're trying to spew all of this bullshit about how I'm going to be better off without you."  He reaches up and rubs his hands angrily around his face.  "I'm not," he chokes, and Loki has to close his eyes to keep from collapsing in on himself.  "Verity won't be better off either.  Teddy was just telling me the other day how much he misses you.  Hell, last week Kate texted me and asked if I'd heard from you recently.  I - well, I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone what Verity told me.  Not after I - yeah."

Loki can't answer.  He just shakes his head, shakes and shakes and shakes it until it feels like it could fall off.  He doesn't open his eyes.  He squeezes them shut tighter.  "Billy . . "

"Since the attempt, since finding a psychiatrist, I've done a lot of thinking and a lot of talking, and I've realized that I really, _really_ miss having you around," his voice is so desperate that he sounds like a child, a child begging for a loved one to stay.  "Everything is so much easier when I have someone who understands me - who understands the pain and the self-hatred - and - and everything.  Teddy's got his own thing going on, but he can see the hope."  Billy gives a huff.  "I can't.  Not yet, anyway."

Loki peels his eyes open, but he's still shaking his head.  A hand comes up to rest against his lips.  "Billy, I don't.  I can't."

"I'll give you my mom's number."

Loki puts his face in his hands.  "Oh, God - "

"Okay, I'll give you my psychiatrist's number."

Loki won't admit it, but Billy's got him.  Billy's got him right where he wants him, and they both know it. "I don't know."

"Gods aren't immune to mental illness."

Loki winces again.  This - this is ridiculous.  He's spent eight months working up the courage to kill himself.  Is he really going to let that all go to waste over some stupid fellow wizard he may or may not have feelings for?

"Even if I did - even if I don't jump off this roof right now, even if I go see a psychiatrist or take meds or whatever you think I should do, what makes you think I can stop myself from becoming that horrible monster?"

"Look at you.  You already have."   

Yes, yes he is.

"Stay with me tonight, Loki," Billy pleads. "Let me make sure you stay safe.  In the morning, we can decide what to do from there."

But what if he fucks everything up again?  Billy doesn't deserve this.  "I don't - "

"Stop protesting and listen to yourself.  What do you actually want?"

Fuck Billy Kaplan, honestly.  Loki will never, ever understand how someone this tortured and screwed up can be so kind and compassionate.  Maybe it's just a gift.

"Forgiveness," Loki admits.

"Then take my hand and let's go."  

Loki looks down at Billy's open palm for a mere second before he takes it.  Billy smiles.  "Teddy will be so happy to see you."


End file.
